I’ve been wanting to write this post for a few weeks now but decided to wait until I could put what I was feeling into coherent sentences.
Ever since I can remember I’ve been a perfectionist and have set myself to the highest standards (read: ridiculously unattainable standards).
In the same token, I’ve also always been very hard on myself when I believe I wasn’t good enough.
See a pattern here? Perfectionism is a trap!
However, I’m still a work in progress and still struggle.
Recently, my biggest fear (okay I’m exaggerating a little, but it’s a pretty big fear) was tested.
I realized something I really wanted wasn’t working for me.
My fear of failure was becoming a reality
Seeking clarity in my decision-making process
A few months ago I wrote a blog post talking about my decision to begin training at The Barre Code.
I realized I really wanted to be an instructor when I started taking classes at the studio in Lombard.
It seemed like so much fun to be able to help women achieve their fitness goals and support them throughout the process.
I was slightly terrified but so excited when the Miami studio asked if I wanted to join.
However, a few weeks into training my personal life took a turn.
I was going through some issues (I’d rather keep those to myself for now) that were hurting my ability to focus on other stuff.
Keeping up with the blog was a struggle. I was exhausted, crabby, emotional, and just overwhelmed.
Because I wanted to be a barre instructor so badly, I couldn’t come to terms with the idea of quitting.
Finding the answer I needed was tough.
I kept going back and forth and truthfully the stress was eating me alive.
Fear of failure
So why exactly was I so afraid of quitting?
Quitting to me meant failing. And I have an intense fear of failure.
It meant I couldn’t go through with something I had told myself I’d do.
I thought it meant ‘disappointing’ those around me who counted on me to go through with training.
Also, it meant bruising my ego.
However, after many conversations with my best friend, I realized that quitting training didn’t mean failing.
It simply meant knowing when something is not right at the moment.
I remember Nicole (my best friend) asking me ‘if you go through with it and put your body and mind through all the stress, isn’t that failing yourself?’
Boy did that sting.
Putting myself through overwhelming work just to say I did something was common for me.
I was used to crying, not sleeping, not eating, stressing out, all so I could say ‘I finished something.’
But at what cost should we ‘finish’ something?
Is it really worth it?
For the first time in my life I gave myself permission to admit it wasn’t worth it.
I accepted the fact that my body and mind were asking me to stop, and I listened.
Did I really fail?
Sadly, I did end up quitting training at The Barre Code.
Lucky for me, the people who work at that studio are angels and told me the door is always open and were beyond understanding. Special thanks to Cady for listening to me vent a million times!
I struggled with my decision a lot.
I was so convinced being an instructor was exactly what I wanted and needed.
And maybe it is. But the time is not now.
I really needed the extra time to focus on myself and everything that was happening around me.
I needed to get some sleep, work on myself, improve my nutrition, be more present with Kris, spend time with Ollie, and just breathe.
Looking back, I am so grateful for the opportunity I had.
I learned so much and tested myself in ways I never thought possible.
I’m also grateful for what I have right now.
The time off has helped me focus on so many areas of my life that needed improvement.
I’ve learned to forgive myself and give myself a break.
I get to take Ollie to training sessions with other dogs and spend time at the park.
I get to help Kris around the house (thank you for picking up after me when I was such a mess!).
And most importantly, I get to focus on getting back to loving myself (thank you to the Tone It Up Love Your Body series for the push I needed).
So although I initially thought I failed, I ended up gaining a lot.
And for that, I am extremely grateful.
